Jason Cotton's Blog
My Fight, My Life, My views on life
My Ride
I know I haven’t written I haven’t been in the mood and when I have been in the mood to be honest know one would really understand what I’d write about. Even other cancer patients would be hard pressed to. I’ve been faking it since I’ve been back from Seattle, acting like nothing is wrong but it has been. When I died last time it’s taken a lot out of me and it seeded doubts.
For the first time in a very long time I’ve doubted myself to beat this. People ask me all the time what it is that drives me to fight when I have medical staff telling me left and right that I’m terminal. I’ve been labeled terminal for many years and have been fighting it still because of this little thing in my character.
Until tonight I didn’t really know what it was. Its a character flaw. Yes flaw. I’ve had it for most of my life. When I don’t like something I block it out. Bury it, don’t believe it and go about my merry way, believing otherwise until one day I’m forced to see it for what it is. Until that day comes I continue to ignore it. And who gets hurt? Me. Who’s to blame? Me. I’m told the truth up front but it is me and my nature not to believe.
My eyes were opened wide this time. Continue reading
A Song I heard today again that I love
While I’m trying to find my thoughts and put thing together I’m going to just post tidbits. Sorry for extended absence
Cloned cells cure cancer patient
“Doctors took cells from the man’s own defence system that were found to attack the cancer cells best, cloned them and injected back into his body, in a process known as “immunotherapy”. After two years he is still free from the disease which had spread to his lymph nodes and one of his lungs.”
read more | digg story
Getting kicked in the nuts
This morning I was talking to my sister and she already knew I had good numbers coming off of this last treatment. I know she knew because Bea told her. It’s the system we have the circle and my sister always know. That way if I start to shut down or withdraw from people she has all ofthe information she needs to make the decisions she has to on my behalf. It’s the unfair burden I’ve put on her for 8 years now.
Yeah 8 years, I’ve fought this beast/demon for 8 years now, and one of my strongest weapons has been broken. Not my will to live I still have that but I just received a letter from the Fred Hucthinson Center in Seattle today. The contents of the letter?? Them telling me I am no longer a viable canidate for the treatment cycle I have been a case study for. What does this mean? It mean that the one hospital that had been willing to help me fight is no longer willing to. See they saw me go down for 49 minutes and it scared them too.
So what do I have? No tumor markers in my blood, (for now). How long will that last with a 5cm tumor in my brain still? Will 1 Gamma Knife treatment kill it all???
Last time I only had a 40% decrees in tumor sized from it. You do the math.
Do I blame them?
No….
I’m a dreamer thinking I can have things that I can never have Nor ever will..
I blame only myself. In the end I only have myself
Something from the past
This is and exerpt from my personal journal that I wrote 4 years ago.
Got back from my trip only to find out Chris had passed away. So I had to go to that funeral. I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to keep doing it, but I’m going to keep going until I can’t anymore.
I’m reading the Harry Potter Book with the kids so right now I’ve got 3 book marks in it. It used to be four but I’ve finished reading it for myself.
Becca wanted to start reading the boot but I was hesitant because she’s so sick. she’s been in and out of ICU with anemonia and infections, but she’s was a fighter. I had to take a break because i flew home to visit mom and dad. It was one of the best I’ve had in a long time
Got back home and got a call from Tabitha at Hoag, she said the kids wer asking about me, if I was going to be back toon. I went Monday and read to Chris and Becca, Sarah was home with her parents. Becca was ddoing really bad she was on assisted breathing and monitors, and her eyes were wandering.. What amazes me is the strength of her spirit. Here she is hooked up to Oxygen and in a bed, she’d said before theat she knew she was dying but she was more worried about her mother than herself. When do we as adults lose that compassion?? Everytime I thought she had fallen asleep with me on tuesday seh would tap her unopened book telling me in her way she wanted me to keep going. I finally left with 100 some pages to go, I’d fallen asleep myself trying to push through it all. Those chairs are hell on your back.
Becca’s parent’s gave Tabitha permission to call me and let me know that Becca died at 10:30am in her sleep. Her death though expected hit me hard like Tyler’s did. It felt to me like she was pushing herself wanting to finish everything even our reading. She knew she didn’t have much time left.
After the service yesterday I went to the play room and I read the pages to her Curious George Stuffed animal. No one bothered me it was late and all the nurses knew when they looked and saw me carrying my book and her doll. I think they made sure I was left alone. I just couldn’t leave it undone, that would have meant that I broke my promise with her. i think she was there and heard me reading to her. Shortly after I was done the doll fell over off the chair I’d set It on, I know that’s when she left me.
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