Jason Cotton's Blog

I know I haven’t written I haven’t been in the mood and when I have been in the mood to be honest know one would really understand what I’d write about.  Even other cancer patients would be hard pressed to.  I’ve been faking it since I’ve been back from Seattle, acting like nothing is wrong but it has been.  When I died last time it’s taken a lot out of me and it seeded doubts.

For the first time in a very long time I’ve doubted myself to beat this.  People ask me all the time what it is that drives me to fight when I have medical staff telling me left and right that I’m terminal.  I’ve been labeled terminal for many years and have been fighting it still because of this little thing in my character.

Until tonight I didn’t really know what it was.  Its a character flaw.  Yes flaw.  I’ve had it for most of my life.  When I don’t like something I block it out. Bury it, don’t believe it and go about my merry way, believing otherwise until one day I’m forced to see it for what it is.  Until that day comes I continue to ignore it.  And who gets hurt?  Me.  Who’s to blame?  Me.  I’m told the truth up front but it is me and my nature not to believe.

My eyes were opened wide this time. Continue reading →