I know I haven’t written I haven’t been in the mood and when I have been in the mood to be honest know one would really understand what I’d write about. Even other cancer patients would be hard pressed to. I’ve been faking it since I’ve been back from Seattle, acting like nothing is wrong but it has been. When I died last time it’s taken a lot out of me and it seeded doubts.
For the first time in a very long time I’ve doubted myself to beat this. People ask me all the time what it is that drives me to fight when I have medical staff telling me left and right that I’m terminal. I’ve been labeled terminal for many years and have been fighting it still because of this little thing in my character.
Until tonight I didn’t really know what it was. Its a character flaw. Yes flaw. I’ve had it for most of my life. When I don’t like something I block it out. Bury it, don’t believe it and go about my merry way, believing otherwise until one day I’m forced to see it for what it is. Until that day comes I continue to ignore it. And who gets hurt? Me. Who’s to blame? Me. I’m told the truth up front but it is me and my nature not to believe.
My eyes were opened wide this time.
Fuck that shit….
I just got home and was about to post this all. Well I deleted it. Fuck them and fuck anyone of you who thinks I am going to die and not beat this. I just was reminded by Alyx that as long as I’ve believed in myself I’ve won. She’s right I have. All of those assholes have said years ago that I’d die and I’ve started to believe them. It’s worn on me for awhile creaping up on me weighing me down. Fuck them I’m going to live, I’ve fought by my terms but lately I’ve not been living by my terms. Done.
I’ve let people use my life as a crutch and a point of their self betterment. (Yeah I just made up a word). Those people need to look at themselves and decide what they are missing in their own lives to try to ride on this fucked up ride called my life. Get your own ride this is mine and only ticket holders are allowed to ride.
You ticket holders. Strap in, it’s going to be one hell of a fun ride.