Jason Cotton's Blog

When all I wanted to do was sleep in. And sleep in my own bed. I get women up this morning by my roomate and her daughter arguing and fighting. I’m sore, stiff, and exhausted physically and mentally and this shit happens. So I’m sitting here at sugar shacks just trying to get by.

Right now I’m so tired and numb I can’t really feel.

Well I’m back from my trip exhausted more that what I was when I left and my brain is going 1000 miles a second with the information and everything that happened.  That storm I was worried about hit with a vengence.  I remember being hit 3 times but after that I’m at a lose.  Being hit 3 times means 3 seizures, but it wasn’t 3 it was 8 seizures total.  Why do I have them?  The treatments that I’ve chosen to take to survive cancer.  Nice double edged sword don’t you think?  It’s the story of the disease, what is designed to cure you kills you.

The good news is my brain tumor has decreased in size by 68% and the maintenance chemo worked and pushed the NHL levels down 76 points.  Remember what I said about the other shoe dropping?  Well it did.  Great numbers great progress but it’s not enough.  So…… I will be seeing a neuro surgeon who specializes in Brain Tumors and Doc Nick feels that my best chance of beating this is direct contact chemotherapy.  I’ll let that sink in for a bit before I give all the details that I’ve been given.

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What are you afraid of? I’ll tell you what I’m afraid of, seizures and the fact that I’m sitting here alone on this rainy night and I feel the aura. The aura is hard to describe, it’s this creeping feeling like drowning in the ocean. Being whipped around, no control, no hope. All you can do is ride it out and pray to whatever Deity you believe in.

They’ve been worried that I’ve ben pushing to hard and they were right. Now I’m here and they aren’t and that storms rolled in and I’m out here alone to ride it out.

The storm started to hit yesterday and it was hitting hard.  Thankfully I have a great support group that works together and watch over me even when I don’t watch over myself.  You see I’ve been pushing way to hard and my body has been going down hill at a very fast rate because I’m pushing so much.  So my friends and loved ones got together and got me to stop and allow them to make me sleep for awhile so my trip today wouldn’t be so hard on me.  My trip is to Seattle, not for chemo but for a meeting with my doctor to get results of all of my treatments.

I’m hoping it’s all good news, well I know some of the news is good but when you’ve done this as long as I have you don’t let yourself get to happy because there is always the other shoe.

In weather terms it’s that quiet before a really bad storm and by really bad I mean tornados, hurricanes, and typhoons.

Well I wish I had that calm, I know the storm is there and when it hits it’s going to hit me hard, really hard.  But right now circumstances don’t allow me to have that calm.  So I’m just going to do what I need to do and duck for cover when it hits and just pray.  This week I have another radiation treatment followed by scans and blood work to how well the Gamma Knife worked or was it just a waste of time.  Then I will be flying up to Seattle to meet with Doctor Nick to go over his plan/regime.  Even though the hospital has said they won’t treat me he is still helping me fight and I found local hospital to administer the treatment.

The storm?  I am pushing and pushing the the limits, my head is throbbing on a constant basis, my moods flare I’m happy one minute and the next I want to rip off someones head and shit down their throats and watch them choke on it.  Vivid I know and I’m sorry but that’s how foul of a mood I get.  Do I have the aura?  That feeling I get when I feel like I’m going to have a seizure.  No that’s what scares me, I feel something else that’s building like a creeping feeling in the back of my head building in pressure.  Not something physical, something else.

Why don’t I stop?  I can’t I have responsibilities and I chose to fight to live and with living comes responsibilites.  So I will continue to go on taking the short breaks I can and hope that when the storm hits I’ll be somewhere safe.