Jason Cotton's Blog

So I got my ass into hot water yesterday.

I had a “maintenance cycle” of chemotherapy and I really didn’t tell many people. My reasoning was simple in my eyes but after listening to the people who love me, I see the folly of my ways.

You see my reasonings were just in my mind, the people who care/worry/love me have their own worries/lives to live and this chemo was like going to the clinic to get my blood checked.  It was in and out no muss no fuss.  But you know what? All it did was make them all worry even more and on top of that get mad at me for not telling them that I had a chemo..

It’s a balance I know that having cancer puts a strain not only on my life but everyone else that’s involved and I’d just thought that by taking care of this on my own that some of that stress would be lifted from them but in reality it just added more.

So I’m not going to do that again.

Well I’m finally getting around to sitting down to write.  Just to warn you this will be a lot of rambling, random thoughts, some high points and some low points.  Get your coffee, donut, soda what have you and here we go for a ride.  Remember to keep your arms and legs in the car at all times.

So last time that I really was after one of my many Seattle trips.  I’ve had a couple and they’ve been a blur to be honest.  So bare with me if I’m repeating myself I’ll try not to get to scattered.

So on my birthday way back in May I crashed and I crashed hard.  Everyone knows that, it’s been posted on my blog by Jeremy I think… I’m being lazy and not going back to look.  Well that really messed with me mentally more than any other time.  I don’t know why it did, it just has.

Then you add on top of the crashes add the fact that one of the best institutes in the world to fight cancer called me a Maschovist and said that all I have been doing is fooling myself to think that I can defeat a terminal case like mine.

Now even with me surviving for 8 years, how can one not let this effect you?  No matter how strong you are when you have professionals and people who have been supporting you for so long to just turn their backs on you like that is devastating.  To the point that I was seriously considering ending it all.  I mean it would be so easy for me.  I have an entire pharmacy at my finger tips.  Any number of the pills/shots/drugs would through me into a cardiac arrest.

I was extremely close to that but there are very key/important people in my life, I don’t really know if they realized that I was that close to just saying fuck it but they talked to me and balanced me back out.

People think that I’m this strong person but let me tell you without my group I’d have been buried years ago.

I know you are all probably really confused now aren’t you?  Has he given up?  What’s going on?  Does he still have cancer?

No I have not given up in fact I just did the Gamma Knife and radiation that has been fucking with my balance and headaches have been a mother.

What’s down the road for me?  Unknown really.  All I do know though is that I’m going to still fight.