I know I haven’t written I haven’t been in the mood and when I have been in the mood to be honest know one would really understand what I’d write about.  Even other cancer patients would be hard pressed to.  I’ve been faking it since I’ve been back from Seattle, acting like nothing is wrong but it has been.  When I died last time it’s taken a lot out of me and it seeded doubts.

For the first time in a very long time I’ve doubted myself to beat this.  People ask me all the time what it is that drives me to fight when I have medical staff telling me left and right that I’m terminal.  I’ve been labeled terminal for many years and have been fighting it still because of this little thing in my character.

Until tonight I didn’t really know what it was.  Its a character flaw.  Yes flaw.  I’ve had it for most of my life.  When I don’t like something I block it out. Bury it, don’t believe it and go about my merry way, believing otherwise until one day I’m forced to see it for what it is.  Until that day comes I continue to ignore it.  And who gets hurt?  Me.  Who’s to blame?  Me.  I’m told the truth up front but it is me and my nature not to believe.

My eyes were opened wide this time. Continue reading →

How the hell does this constitute news?

Pulled from a headline from the Associated Press

`Harry Potter’ fan testifies in trial and weeps

What the Hell???? Who freakin cares? I don’t for one. How about real news

I’m not talking about just the television but also the radio and the internet. How long do we have to hear about that fat cow Anna Nicole Smith, or that train wreck Brittany Spears?

I got up last week and there plastered all over the web and TV. Patrick Swayze has Pancreatic cancer. So fucking what. Yeah I’m bitter, he is a 1 movie hit has been that has cancer and is on all the morning shows and all over the internet. What makes him having cancer news worthy? Now I’m not saying this because I want recognition, because to be honest I don’t give a shit. But what about that 2 year old that sat across from me last week that has Hodgkins. Or better yet what about the man sitting across from me that has terminal liver cancer. Now his story is worthy of telling. He’s a professor at a local college and even though he is going to die shortly he continues to teach. When you ask him why his answer….. “To not pass on my knowledge would be a crime to manhood. Our youth depend on people like me to teach them. While I’m able I will continue to teach.”

Or the family that has sold their home and the father sold his business so his 17 year old daughter can get treatment. Now that is sacrifice, and soon they won’t be able to afford the treatment she needs and will probably not get it because our medical system has become so fucked up that we have forgotten that we are dealing with human lives here.

Who’s telling their stories? They aren’t even a blip on the media radar. It’s these peoples stories who should be told not some half ass has been actor that is living the high life.

Written by Bryan Narrated by Jason,I’m awake and going through a lot of tests.  And sleeping a lot.  I’m tired sore, beat up. Jason 

7

A simple number but it means so much.  Cancer is nothing but a game of numbers.

Today’s number is 7 creeping up to an 8 and it’s only 9:30