Jason Cotton's Blog

7

A simple number but it means so much.  Cancer is nothing but a game of numbers.

Today’s number is 7 creeping up to an 8 and it’s only 9:30

And old friend is visiting me,  I thought I was done with them for at least a little bit.  But when I think about it they never left they’ve just been quiet.  Right now it feels like they are ringing in the new years early.  I’m talking about my headaches. When I went to visit my parents I caught a cold.  Now for a normal person a cold is just something that makes you uncomfortable.  For me it means multiple visits to the doctors and clinic for tests and medications.  Sounds fun doesn’t it?  I received 6 shots yesterday then this morning I was plugged in for fluids bright and early this morning.For the most part my day was good, long but good.

 Yeah I have the sniffles but compared to everything else thats like a hang nail.  That was until my friend the headache decided to pay me a visit.  I took one Morphine and now I’m about to take my second and last one that I’m allowed to take without Bea being around.  I hope that it works.  Right now it feels like I’m going to vomit from the pain, the light hurts, moving hurts, sniffling hurts.   

I hate fucking colds more now than I ever have 

People think that I don’t believe in God and I have no “faith”. But I do, in my own way I do believe in a here after. I’ve seen it several times, 25 to be exact. What I don’t believe in is organized religion. Who is to tell me that because I don’t go to a church with a bunch of people I don’t know nor do I care about that I won’t go to “Heaven”. I equate organized religion to politics, where else can one say one thing, do another and be praised for it?

I’ve glanced at the bible a time or two and recently I found this passage:

Deuteronomy 23:1
No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.

Seems pretty specific to me, no testicles = no heaven. Guess I am out of luck, my testicles were removed several years ago due to testicular cancer…. I guess me and Lance Armstrong are going to be sharing a seat in hell. What level of hell is that by the way? Just asking. Are we above or below the priests who rape young boys? Though they probably don’t call it rape… probably call it “surprise sex”…. everyone loves a surprise.

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There are several types of pressure.  Pressure from the family, pressure from friends, work.  Or in this case pressure in my head.  See I’ve been put on a couple of medications to build up my system for Tuesday, I have a surgery scheduled that will take about 10-12 hours to perform.  Well the medications that I’m on make it feel like I have a migrain, sinus, and annuerysm headache. 

 I honestly don’t know how to compare it to the other headaches I’ve felt because I’ve become so numb to the pain over the years.  My idea of pain has become extremely warped. 

Written by Jason at 10pm, posted by Deb at 1am.

Today was a day of nothing but a lot of bad news. When I had my seizure I said somethings to people that at the time I didn’t know I was saying them. The funny thing about the brain is even though at the time I didn’t know what I was saying it had to have held truth of some kind or I’d have never said them. That wasn’t the start of my day the start of my day was being told my faults and how I’ve been treating my friends and family members how mean and selfish I am. This has been building since I’d said the things that I had and have said prior, being selfish and what not. I deserved every single word of it.
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